Archive for the ‘Songs’ Category

Song 5 : Lonely Valentine

Posted: February 13, 2011 in Songs

Howdy all. See, I’ve done a song, and it’s relatively topical, so I’m posting this one today.

As we all know, it’s Valentines Day tomorrow (or today, if you’re reading it on the 14th, or yesterday, if reading on the 15th, or the day before yesterday if you’re reading on the 16th, etc) and every year on Valentines Day, your coupled up friends are all smug posting disgustingly loved up messages to their special ickle squisshy poo, and because you’re mutual friends it comes up on your news feed each time, and your single friends mope about the place whinging that they hate today and nobody likes them and they’re going to drink a litre of vodka and jump off the end of a pier.

With that in mind, I decided to write a song about being alone on Valentines Day.

I’m keeping this post short, as I want to go watch the telly for a bit, so you can listen to “Lonely Valentine” in the widget on the left hand side, and here are the lyrics

“Lonely Valentine” – Ukulele Kris

I’ll be spending Valentines Day on my own,
But I’m not complaining,
Yeah I’m not complaining.

You can spend it with the one you  love,
Spend it with the one you’ve been dreaming of

I’ll be on my own.

I’ll be spending Valentines Day on my own,
But I’m not complaining,
Yeah I’m not complaining.

You can spend stupid amounts of money,
On some things you think your loved one needs.

But they don’t care.

I’ll be spending Valentines Day on my own,
But I’m not complaining,
Yeah I’m not complaining

I’ll be spending it with the one I love,
Spending it with the one, who means the most to me.

I’m talking ’bout myself
I fucking love myself
I really love myself

Enjoy Hallmark Cards Post Christmas “Oh shit we’ve ran out of money, lets make people buy more cards” Day, fuckers



Song 3 : Hey Sonny!

Posted: January 16, 2011 in Songs

Hello, it’s currently 3.13am, I’m still awake and I’ve not yet recorded this weeks song, and I’m not even going to post this blog until I have recorded it, however, I feel whilst I am in the right frame of mind to talk about this weeks song, I may aswell write about it whilst awake, and then send it to my blog when I’ve recorded it.

As you may have noticed, yesterday I changed the rules to make life easier on myself, for instance, if I’m out having a social life on a weekend, I don’t have to worry about getting the song done before the weekend is upon me, and schedule the post to go up at a certain time, to then be ignored because I can’t get on the Ukulele Cosmos or Facebook to post that I’ve put a new song up. I mean, for example I had issues I had to sort out which came far above writing and recording a song. However, I already knew what chord progression I wanted to use, and how to write it, it was just a case of writing lyrics.

Originally I thought about writing a song about Uri Gellar, everyones favourite fraudulent, spoon bending, mentalist. Shit, can I call him fraudulent without getting sued? I hope so, as I just have done… moving on, I also have written some lyrics about mermaids, but I just felt this music warranted some proper lyrics, not my usual whimsy/comedy style, but something more akin to the music I used to write when I was in Blackpool’s premier (only) ska punk band, The Emotional Problems of Dirk Diggler (seen in the video below doing our cover of The Time Warp), and and Blackpool’s premier (only) ska pop band, Peter Simple.

In TEPODD, along with the bassist, Ryan Mullholland, we wrote a song that we played at every gig called “The Ballad of Sonny Gritts” (click “play direct from…”), which told the story of the grizzly demise of a 1920’s New York mobster, and his demise. It was part of a trilogy of songs about the life of Sonny Gritts, I think we wrote four in the end, I definitely remember three, “The Overture of Sonny Gritts (Instrumental)”, “The Genesis of Sonny Gritts” (or something like that) and “The Ballad of Sonny Gritts”.

With the second band I was in, Peter Simple, I loved “The Ballad of Sonny Gritts” so much, I decided to play it with that band, which was a bit naughty of me, as I never asked Ryan if he minded, so sorry about that Ryan, if you’re reading! haha!.

So, here I was, listening to this music I was playing about with, humming melodies, and wondering what on earth to write about. I’m not good at writing completely serious songs, about feelings and that, because I’m not a very open fellow, I keep feelings close to my chest, and rarely talk about them, let alone sing about them. However, I love writing about fictional characters. It means you can go anywhere with the song, and doesn’t limit you to singing “Oooh I luv u gurl” or something similar.

I decided to bring Sonny Gritts back from the dead! It was the only thing to do. I guess this probably comes sometime before “The Ballad”, although the original concept behind the Sonny Gritts songs, was start with his death, and end with the story of how he got involved with the mob. So that puts it after “The Ballad”. Which is all getting confusing. Basically, this is a song about Sonny Gritts, who was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, and it’s asking “What the hell do you think you’re playing at?”. I think.

You can listen to “Hey Sonny!” in the widget to the left hand side, and download it from there, too. Direct links to the file don’t seem to be working, so I’m going to leave it in the widget, and if anyone is having problems with it, can you leave a comment please saying so, and then I’ll try and sort the issues out.

“Hey Sonny!” – Ukulele Kris

Let me tell you a story,
About a guy I used to know,
He got mixed up in the wrong crowd,
And his life got thrown away,
Got thrown away,
Yeah his life got thrown away.

He called himself Sonny,
‘Coz he thought it sounded fly,
Didn’t realise that the mob life,
Would be the reason he would die,
Yeah he would die,
Yeah he would die,
It would be the reason he would die.


Hey Sonny,
What’re you doing today?,
You don’t have to be like this,
Your life doesn’t have to be this way
Hey Sonny, why are you doing that?
Did nobody tell you crime doesn’t pay?

Look into those dark,
Brown eyes you will see,
The child that is lost inside,
He’s wondering what he’s doing here,
With this crowd,
What is he doing here with this crowd?


Oh Sonny Gritts,
You’ve made some mistakes,
Didn’t realise that this lifestyle,
Would cause you so much pain,
And so much sorrow,
Cause you so much pain and sorrow.


So, I hope you enjoyed this lengthy blog post, and more importantly, the song.


P.S. I recorded it in one take and got it exported to MP3, there’s a couple of fluffed up lyrics in this demo recording, but as it’s just that, a demo, I didn’t trust my PC not to crash if I tried a second take. lol!

Song 2 : Jesus’ Roadside Cafe

Posted: January 8, 2011 in Songs

Well then, it’s been a week since my last original recording, and once again, I’ve had computer troubles. Once again, as soon as I finished recording, and went to click “save”, the bloody PC turned off on itself. I’ve been advised by my friend Rob Collins that it’ll be the heatsinks clogged up with dust and other gunk turning off the PC to stop it frying, which as much as it sort of makes sense, surely the process of recording uses more PC processing power than clicking “save”. I really just think the computer hates me. Boohissboo.

Anyway, about the song, it’s called “Jesus’ Roadside Cafe” (pronounced “caff”, not “caff-ay”, because everyone knows that a nice place is a café and a grotty shithole is a cafe. Yeah?

The song takes it’s inspiration from the journey home from Hollesley Ukulele Festival in Suffolk, 2010, in the car with the fantastic Claire “Winger” Deakin, who is one half of Perilous Mojo, with the aforementioned Rob Collins, a ukulele duo from Hebden Bridge. Hooray!. Anyhoo, as we were making our way back t’north, we spotted one of those roadside signs saying something along the lines of “accept Jesus into your lives and be saved” or some other religious “convert convert convert” (to be said like a Dalek) slogan, but right next to it, there was a sign that said “Roadside cafe, next layby”, so the following half an hour was spent talking absolute bollocks about the roadside cafe being ran by Jesus Christ. I said I’d write a song about it, and proving just how lazy and feckless I am, 5 and a half months later, here it is.

“Jesus’ Roadside Cafe” – Ukulele Kris

We were on our way back,
From a camping trip,
And we decided a little snack,
Would really do the trick,
We didn’t know where to go,
Then we saw an almighty glow,
Coming from, Jesus’ roadside cafe.


Jesus has a roadside cafe
On the A1,
But because he’s Jewish,
He won’t serve you sausage or bacon.

Well we looked at the menu,
And decided what we’d have,
I ordered a cup a soup, and a buttered bap,
Well he looked quite dissapointed,
As he told me what he had,
A loaf of bread, and some fish fingers.


Now the fish finger butties, were very tasty,
But then we realised, we were getting thirsty,
So he took some boiling water, and turned it into tea,
And a cup of coffee


As per usual, you can listen to it in the widget on the left hand side (it’s the file marked “Jesus.mp3”) and you can download it from there, too… or if you don’t have flash or something enabled that stops you from seeing the widget, you can visit where it may or may not work for you. Who knows. I’m now going to get away from technology for a while and eat some food! Yay! Pizza! 🙂


Stressed in North West Lancashire

Song 1 : Fuck Your New Year

Posted: January 1, 2011 in Songs

Blimey, that didn’t take me long, did it? I was originally going to leave my first song until next Saturday, but if I think about this right (which I probably haven’t), it would mean that my 52nd song would be in 2012, but even if I have thought about it all wrong, and this now means I am able to write 53 songs this year, it’s not as if that’s a bad thing, is it?  Think of it as a bonus feature, or an encore (but there’s a whole year to go to the “will he/won’t he” have an extra song, I’m not going to exert myself working it out right now, I’ve other things to do)

I had so much hassle getting this recorded, I was going to take it easy, and then my friend, Hannah, convinced me to record it and try and get it up for bang on midnight… and I was so, so close. I recorded it, I was reasonably happy with it, for demo standards, I clicked “File” on Audacity, I clicked “Export As MP3”, and then my PC went to a blank screen, as it crashed. Noooooooooo, I internally cried, why do this to me you bastard machine. The clock had just hit 00.01.

The first thing to happen to me in 2011 was my PC crashing, and taking a recording with it. But never fear, I rebooted, opened Audacity and it crashed on me again.

The second thing to happen to me in 2011 was my PC crashing. So, I rebooted, again, and re-recorded, I didn’t listen to it’s playback before exporting to MP3, I was taking no risks. Even if it sounded shite, at least I would have something recorded for prosperity, until I did a re-recording.

I uploaded it to, listened to it, and fuck me, it sounded better than my first, lost recording. So my first annoyance of 2011 actually helped me improve my recording, clouds and silver linings and all that.

Here’s a link to download the song, or you can listen to it in the widget on the left hand side. It’s called “Fuck Your New Year”, which I think is a very cheery sentiment indeed

“Fuck Your New Year” – Ukulele Kris

Well it’s another new year,
There’s still some leftover Christmas cheer,
But not for me, No not for me.
‘Coz I know I’m a grumpy bastard,
But that’s just me.

Yeah I know I’m a pessimist,
I’m fully aware of what my problem is,
It’s just another day, more problems to come my way
Things won’t be much different,
To yesterday.

So I’m wishing you a Happy New Year’s Day
Though things probably won’t change,

So fuck your New Year
Fuck your New Year
Fuck your New Year
Fuck your New Year
Fuck your New Year
Fuck your New Year
Fuck your New Year

Erm, so yeah… happy new year, folks.